I AM BEAUTIFUL

Dear Doreen:


Yesterday, just as you were about to conclude what was supposed to be a great day, someone ruined it for you, with words that you feel (you believe) although meant to be funny as a joke, were unnecessary, offensive, and hurtful. That person might not have realized it, but her words stabbed you in the gut, quite badly. Her words left you embarrassed, angry, hurt, and worst of all, ashamed of the way you look.

Go ahead. I am allowing you some time to feel the pain. Cry if you must. Let it out, and let it go.

How very timely and apt that you chanced upon an article about someone else’s own struggles and how she lifted herself from such. It gave you some relief and assurance that you are not alone, didn’t it?  You are not the only one who gets undermined for the way you look. You are not the only one who has body issues. Everybody has it. But these so-called body imperfections are what makes you who you are. These imperfections are what makes you, YOU. These imperfections make you beautiful.

Yes, Doreen, you are beautiful. Say it again. You are beautiful. One more time, and this time, mean it. You are beautiful.

Look, I know you’re tired of the hurt, the pain caused by people’s words, expectations, and opinions of you. Stop listening to those that pull you down, and start appreciating yourself for who and what you are. I know it isn’t easy. It never really is, but it is possible — attainable, and you can do it.

Realize and acknowledge that as you go through life, you will still meet more people who will size you up and judge you. Let them. Keep in mind that you can never really please everyone, and you don’t really, actually have to.

Cast away negativity, and keep yourself open to positivity, always.

I love you. ❤️

Vertigo 

I can barely open my eyes

And the rectangular lamps that hang above me, promptly providing light are only making it worse

The loud bantering of people nearby are like a series of thunder in a sudden downpour

I want to just crawl, hide, cowl in the darkness

Take a deep sought-after breath, close my heavy eyes, lay in the peace that my pillows bring

Embrace the calm, everything is now quiet in its tranquil place. 

No More

I don’t think you have even the slightest idea

How much I hurt

How difficult it is to move on from the past

Because the pain, the pain you caused persists

No matter how many times I try and pick myself up

The countless times I tried to disguise tears with laughter

And the endless declarations never to think of you again, never to care

Are all for nothing because something always brings me back to you.

I hate so many things about you

Yet, I compare everyone, anyone to you

And no one, not a single one, comes close.

I’m angry at myself for doing that

I’m angry at myself for still having these feelings for you

After all that’s happened, after all you’ve done

I still miss you, love you

I will have to learn to forgive us

That time will come soon enough

Things may be uncertain right now

But this I am sure of – – –

It is because of the hate and love you’ve made me feel

That I don’t ever want you back.

Move Forward

She was well on her way to being comfortable with being alone; Enjoying everything that came her way, learning to accept life in solitude, or at least ‘just’ in the company of family and friends and finding contentment in that.

Then he came along, and swept her off her weak feet. She lost all focus. She got off track, and now well, she is left to pick herself up again and continue moving.
She never really understood how a ‘whirlwind (love, adventure) anything’ worked until recently, when she got caught in one. It was a most exhilarating ride; everything’s wonderful and dandy; she was in an unending best of moods; seeing the good in everyone and every situation is done with so much ease. She just felt so optimistic and positive, and nothing can stop her.

But just as she has accepted everything, just as she has accepted all of him, just as she thought she was ready to take on that journey again, a truth — his — pulls her down back on the ground. It hits her like a strong wound-inducing knife on the chest, slowly piercing with unbearable pain as it goes deeper where her heart is, and leaves her broken into very tiny pieces that she cannot even fathom how to begin healing again.

Not too long ago he told her, “My intentions for you are noble.” So noble that he cannot even explain what had happened? “I am so thankful I had found you.” So thankful that out of the blue, he just decided to drop and let her go? 
It’s painful. It sucks. Like big time. Despite that though what choice does she have, but to move on. 

Move on. Such an easy imperative command to utter, yet so difficult to do, much less even start on. How does one move on? 

She begins by un-believing it is only her fault. It takes two to tango, remember? He was selfish. He was insincere and had taken advantage of her. Damn him. But she was selfish, too. She had seen the signs early on, and yet did nothing but allow everything to unfold. She wanted this so bad, so she let it happen. She let herself believe and live in a dream, and forget reality. So who’s to be blamed? No one.

Learn to forgive. Falling for and loving someone are nothing to be ashamed of. She tripped, lost her balance, and fell — hard, now she needs to dust the dirt off and walk again. She once said, ” Love will be experienced everywhere anyway, received from everyone — family and friends.” She holds onto that because it’s her truth. 
Have faith. Pray. More. Much harder. Not her usual prayer and ask for the heavens to send her a significant other, but rather for strength, contentment, more love to give.

 It all sounds so easy, but so difficult to do. She has to remember that everything — simple or complex — it all begins with that first step. Take that first step to heal. She needs to. She knows she needs to. She chooses to be happy, so she begins by smiling again.

Pang

It grabs you out of nowhere – – –

Making it difficult to breathe.

You writhe in pain in the cold cold night,

It keeps you from having a good night’s sleep,

So you hang in tight.

You try to cry, but the hurt, you can’t really restrain.

What can others do to ease your invisible pain?

You let out a heavy sigh, as if in defeat – – –

All you can is hope as you close your eyes,

That tomorrow when you wake up, you will no longer agonize.