I AM BEAUTIFUL

Dear Doreen:


Yesterday, just as you were about to conclude what was supposed to be a great day, someone ruined it for you, with words that you feel (you believe) although meant to be funny as a joke, were unnecessary, offensive, and hurtful. That person might not have realized it, but her words stabbed you in the gut, quite badly. Her words left you embarrassed, angry, hurt, and worst of all, ashamed of the way you look.

Go ahead. I am allowing you some time to feel the pain. Cry if you must. Let it out, and let it go.

How very timely and apt that you chanced upon an article about someone else’s own struggles and how she lifted herself from such. It gave you some relief and assurance that you are not alone, didn’t it?  You are not the only one who gets undermined for the way you look. You are not the only one who has body issues. Everybody has it. But these so-called body imperfections are what makes you who you are. These imperfections are what makes you, YOU. These imperfections make you beautiful.

Yes, Doreen, you are beautiful. Say it again. You are beautiful. One more time, and this time, mean it. You are beautiful.

Look, I know you’re tired of the hurt, the pain caused by people’s words, expectations, and opinions of you. Stop listening to those that pull you down, and start appreciating yourself for who and what you are. I know it isn’t easy. It never really is, but it is possible — attainable, and you can do it.

Realize and acknowledge that as you go through life, you will still meet more people who will size you up and judge you. Let them. Keep in mind that you can never really please everyone, and you don’t really, actually have to.

Cast away negativity, and keep yourself open to positivity, always.

I love you. ❤️

Vertigo 

I can barely open my eyes

And the rectangular lamps that hang above me, promptly providing light are only making it worse

The loud bantering of people nearby are like a series of thunder in a sudden downpour

I want to just crawl, hide, cowl in the darkness

Take a deep sought-after breath, close my heavy eyes, lay in the peace that my pillows bring

Embrace the calm, everything is now quiet in its tranquil place. 

Pang

It grabs you out of nowhere – – –

Making it difficult to breathe.

You writhe in pain in the cold cold night,

It keeps you from having a good night’s sleep,

So you hang in tight.

You try to cry, but the hurt, you can’t really restrain.

What can others do to ease your invisible pain?

You let out a heavy sigh, as if in defeat – – –

All you can is hope as you close your eyes,

That tomorrow when you wake up, you will no longer agonize.

Did I Offend?

A month ago, an officemate of mine, who probably thinks we’re close enough even when we’re really not, approached me at my desk one morning to rave about her recent trip to the dermatologist.
 
This isn’t the first time she’s tried doing small talk with me about her trip to the derma, and in all those times that she did, I always showed a polite front, allowed her the chance to rave even when it bored me to death. Until that one fateful morning when she said, “No offense pero punta ka kaya sa derma ko. Pwede kita i-refer. Para matanggal yang mga linya at pekas sa mukha mo. Maging flawless ka tulad ko.” [“No offense, but why don’t you go to my derma? I can refer you, so all those lines and imperfections on your face will be removed, and you can be as flawless as I am.”] As soon as she said, “No offense”, I knew she was going to say something offensive. She obviously did not disappoint.
 
I was tempted to bitch slap her and kick her on the chest, Spartan-style. I wanted to throw all the insults I can throw at her, make her see the truth that she’s not even as flawless as she thinks she is. Instead though, with my best plastered-smile and without stammering out of anger, I said, “No, thank you. I appreciate the imperfections on my face – – – zits, lines, and all. And besides, all those medicines and chemicals some people put on their faces, make them look synthetic – – – almost like breakable mannequins.”
 
She left without saying a word, and hasn’t spoken to me since. The bully felt she was bullied. I honestly do not mind at all that she has stopped talking to me.
 
But why do we do that? Why do we completely disregard another person’s feelings with what we say and do? Why do we often use straightforwardness and bluntness as an excuse to be rude to someone else? We often confuse that they are synonymous with each other. They are not. Straightforwardness and bluntness, coupled with respect and politeness, are actually good traits. When did we become so disrespectful of others? Does respect still matter at all?

We tend to underestimate, too, how powerful words can be. We often say “actions speak louder than words”, and totally forget, that even if they are less powerful than actions, doesn’t mean they cannot prick, or they cannot bruise and scar.

It’s sad how we can be this cruel to each other sometimes.

I take away three things from the conversation I had with my officemate:

One, be proud of how you are, and how you look. No one should make you feel otherwise. Love everything about yourself, especially your imperfections for these are what make you unique and perfect – – – a stand out from everyone else.

Two, be respectful and considerate of other people’s feelings, no matter how disrespectful and inconsiderate they are of yours. Respect and kindness are hard to come by nowadays, give as much as you can away.

And three, choose your words carefully. Words may seem petty, but they are very powerful, and hurtful, especially when used incorrectly.

This Heart

I fell again

And hurt myself.

How many times has this happened?

I’ve lost count.

Why am I such a fool?

So easy to trust

Fall completely in love

Only to fall again

Bruise, wound, and scar my heart.

Pull back my pieces

One by one

Go through the cycle again

Lessons learned – – – none.

End of Chapter

This door has to close.

And when I close it, yes, I…

I close with it all the hope, all the wait, every bit of love, and all the pain.

If I close this door…when I close it

It is with a heavy heart.

There will be tears. I know there will be, as if I haven’t cried enough.

My knees will grow weak, and it will fail me.

Seemingly beaten, seemingly destroyed…I fall.

All these I will have to face and endure,

When I close this door.

I will close this door.

This door is closed.